after a month of what felt like never-ending places to be, i have decided that i am not leaving the house this weekend unless Absolutely Necessary. having already worked this morning and purchased the required groceries for tomorrow's slow-cooker meal (hamburger stew), all that remains is a trip to PetSmart for dog food, and that can wait until tomorrow.

it's gray and stormy outside. the leftover beans and ham are reheating on the slow cooker for later. i am settled on the couch, post-coffee-and-vanilla-sandwich-cookies, seriously considering a nap. not out of need, but because the house is quiet and i can think of nothing lovelier to do with myself.

i finished Bring Up The Bodies (by Hilary Mantel) this morning, and i *could* start on another book in my pleasure-reading pile. or i could do some dishes. or i could start a load of laundry, but the dryer belt broke (Mer-cur-eeeeee!), and the weather's a little too iffy to hang the clothes outside. i could clean the bathroom. i could play with some yarn. i could do a few math homework problems, but i aced my first math test yesterday (and my first biology test on Tuesday!), and my brain deserves a day off.

yes. it's the perfect day for a nap.

slow start

someone needs to make an alarm clock that adjusts to one's personal sleep cycle, so that you are still woken up in plenty of time to get ready for work/the day, but you are NOT woken up mid-REM sleep.

come on, brain. three hours is more than enough time to get yourself together.

the bed needs to be made.

the dishes need to be washed.

the second crocheted baby sock needs to be finished.

the second biology chapter needs reading.

the math homework needs doing (but you got the concept, which is impressive).

the bags and backpack need packing.

the clients need massaging.

the niece and nephew need to be played with and snuggled.

the s'mores blondies need to be baked.

come on, brain. you can do this...

feels.

all of them.

i'm heartbroken that Michfest (as we know it) is no more. we, all of us, will never be together like that again. i tried to walk the fine line between being aware of/enjoying all the "lasts" without dwelling on them, and mostly i succeeded. the deep, deep sobbing and wailing really only happened once for me: Saturday night, when i watched the Night Stage go dark (except for the work lights) for the last time.

  i'm full to bursting with love, though. and joy. and gratitude. that, out of all the people and possibilities in the world, we won the fucking lottery. we got to experience this place, be changed by it, broken open by it, healed and made whole by it. and we were so gentle and open with each other. all of us. god, how i love all of us!



i'm amazed at the depth of the Fest Magic this year. everything i wished and hoped for, happened. the worker bands were blue (my favorite). there was a rainbow after the thunderstorm on Sunday evening. there was a sign-up sheet for opening ceremonies, and i got to wear all white and hand out acorns to my sisters, saying "take what you love from this land, and plant something beautiful". i slept on the Night Stage my last night there, by myself, under the stars. every time i opened my eyes, the Milky Way above me had shifted. and the soft, soft light of the Night Stage bowl at dawn....mmmmmmm. and best of all, E was able to make it up for the weekend! the gates close at 10pm, and she skidded in at 9:59 (in the pouring rain).

i'm numb. i don't know how to unpack. i'm washing things, and putting them back in the safe places they live between Fests, knowing that there won't be any more Fests. i'm not washing things, because they still smell like the Land.

i'm still feral. and i'm resolved to stay feral. to live as like a Narnian as i can, even if there isn't any Narnia.

i'm nervous and excited, because tomorrow is my first day of school. Biology and Intermediate Algebra. a new path. a new beginning. a confidence, and a sense of certainty, that are a direct result of the nine times i joined thousands of my sisters in the Michigan woods.

i carry them with me. always.

the 26th

tonight, E and i will go to sleep with the promise of 1,138 more legal rights than we woke up with this morning.

i remember what it felt like, the day i admitted to myself that yes, i was a lesbian. i remember the realization that i was, essentially, forfeiting a huge chunk of the rights and privileges that i had been born with. that, henceforth, i would be at the mercy of hospitals, landlords, employers, you name it. and for some of those things, the tightness in my chest remains.

many of us are still not protected from discrimination in housing or employment. there is still work to be done.

but, to be recognized as a full citizen again.....!

to be able to legally marry the woman i love....!

to be able to make medical decisions for each other, to be able to stay at each others' side no matter what the attitude of the conservative nurse or doctor. to file taxes together. to be on the same health insurance plan, PERIOD - no more hoping an employer offers same-sex partner benefits. to automatically be considered the legal heirs to each other, without the costly process of filling out and filing legal documents. to be recognized, BOTH OF US, as the legal parents of any children we may have or adopt.

and i only had to wait 15 years. some have waited their entire lives. and some never lived to see this day.

thank you, SCOTUS.

goals

the financial aid fell through.

BUT.

i am nothing if not resilient, and have come up with an alternate plan. it will take me slightly longer to get through school, but hey, the time's going to pass anyway...and speaking of passing, the most pressing issue right now is quick-learning enough math to pass the assessment test and get into college algebra. (hell, i'll take intermediate algebra, too - the fewer classes i have to take, the better!)

my sinuses freaked out again, just in time for me to be pretty miserable the whole time K, J, and the kids were here last weekend. i think i'm allergic either to Windex, or to something in the heat/ac system of Mom's truck. those are the only two constants. anyway, today makes day 7, and i'm mostly feeling better! but i have to tell you about the awful night of coughing, two nights ago, that found me sitting on the kitchen floor with the cat, sipping whiskey out of a shot glass at 2am. fortunately, it worked! LOL!

the goals for this weekend:

Math
Light housecleaning
Math
Snuggling (etc)
Bake something
Cook something (healthy-ish, to balance whatever gets baked)
Math
Math
Math
Laundry
Math
Play with cat

and that's it! Happy Weekend!

recap

whoa. six months, huh?

i guess some sum-uppage is in order:

i survived back-to-back December sinus infections while spending a large chunk of time being a reindeer (sometimes Rudolph, sometimes Doctor Reindeer, depending on the whims of Little V).

Oasis Hot Tub Gardens in Ann Arbor is very clean, reasonably priced, and super f*cking relaxing.

one of us turned 36, and the other turned 37.

E discovered the most amazing brownie recipe known to womonkind. 

i made a special trip out to Portland. meet my new nephew, Little D:

E is on week three of her new job with Comcast (comm tech), and ALL THE CHANNELS ARE BELONG TO US! (mostly, this is exciting because of how much money we'll save, but also SO MANY SCIENCE AND HISTORY CHANNELS OMG!!!!)

this new job means that E will only get to go to MichFest for the weekend...if she gets to go at all.

this will be the 40th, and FINAL, Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. that's a whole separate blog post in and of itself, and there are still too many feels to sort through to write it now.

Portland wooed me hardcore with all the springtime glory it could muster. i bought some yarn that captured all the different colors, and made it into arm warmers:

Dallas and Houdini have been free-ranging together for the last several weeks! He is absolutely obsessed with the cat, and she is...pretty tolerant of him, actually, considering that he has no boundaries and interprets her warning meows and swats as "YAAAAYYY WE'RE PLAYING".  but hey, she's not a basement-dwelling kitty anymore, and we're all a lot happier for it.

i'm partway through a new blanket:

we're in the thick of wedding planning, and anxiously waiting for the Supreme Court to let us know if we'll be doing that here or in a different state (or country - Canada's only 20 minutes away). we're also on the fence about what we'd like to do. get legalled ASAP with a justice-of-the-peace ceremony downtown with ten guests, then go out for barbecue? or wait, and have a big shindig in my mom's back yard (also involving barbecue)? or get legalled now, and have the big party later? AAAAUGGGHHH.

at least we found the perfect cake toppers:

so that's done.

the timing is further complicated by my returning to school this fall. i'm finally taking the plunge and aiming for a BSN!!!!! I KNOW!!!! but there's the whole financial aid thing to consider. the upcoming school year is already covered (yay Pell grants!), but if we get legally married in the state of Michigan this year, i won't qualify for as much aid next year (or the two years after that). so...yeah. we're torn between doing it as soon as legally possible, and there really being no rush at all. Comcast offers same-sex partner benefits, so we'll be ok on that front if we choose to wait. but...MARRIED! but...financial aid! but...it's 2015 and we could keep track of anniversaries so easily! but...not enough time or money to get all our friends and loved ones together the way we'd really like to do. but...we were so looking forward to our first Fest as a married couple...but, new job/bad timing...

mostly, we're breathing and reminding ourselves that the marriage is what matters most - and we have a great one, officially recognized or not. the rest is just details (and an excuse to eat cake and lots of barbecue.)

whirlwind

Mom is resting semi-comfortably in the recliner, two days post-second-foot-surgery. the bad: two to three days in is usually when things hurt the most. the good: she knows the worst part is almost over.

i am resting semi-comfortably on my bed, on day six of the Surprise Sinus Infection From Hell. the bad: i am coughing stuff up and snotting things out. the good: i am coughing stuff up and snotting things out, and am pretty royally pissed off about it, which is a sure sign that i'm almost well. plus i don't have to clear my throat to speak audibly today.

and December marches on.....

K, J, and Little V arrive in two weeks! HOORAY! never mind that crazy work schedules, surgery, and sudden illness have left us less prepared than we would like to be - really, it's just shopping, present-wrapping, and cleaning, most of which happens last-minute every year, anyway.

this week is the eye of an extremely fun and crazy storm.

the whirlwind to come, in which we host a toddler who gets, for the first time, this whole Christmas thing - cookies! Santa! presents! lights! magic!

....and the whirlwind just passed, in which we spent Thanksgiving with E's family, saw Amma for the second time (i was so blissed out that i got up and walked off before Amma could hand me the prasad - a sacred offering, usually chocolate - and She had to call me back! She was laughing, and playfully pelted me with flower petals, it was awesome), and E surprised me by picking me up at work early (aided and abetted by my sneaky mcsneakerson boss and coworkers, who put fake client names in my schedule), taking me to dinner in Greektown and then to the Red Wings game, walking back to Greektown afterward, stopping to admire the tree at Campus Martius Park...and then getting down on one knee and asking me to marry her. and i said YES!

well, actually, first i said, "Shut the f*** up!", because i was so surprised, and then i said yes.

basically, she re-created the night before Thanksgiving three years ago - the night it all began. the night we realized we were still in love.

it was perfect.